It has been a lifetime of learning. This last year has felt like one in its own.
It has been just short of ten months since I moved back home to the mountains from Charlotte. I left before my fall semester was completed, without any other choice remaining for me to choose.
My parents picked me up on a Saturday from a hospital none of us knew existed until a week before. I had spent a week in scrubs, surrounded by strangers, struggling to collect a sense of understanding of what point I had been brought to. I was fearful. Fearful of my environment, of my complete lack of control of my life, and more fearful of myself than I had ever been before. I reached a point where my mind was working against my spirit. Mental illness is complex, uncertain, and scary as hell.
I have had to acknowledge a lot about myself within the last year. I have learned that within my own self care, I can be incredibly stubborn, impatient, and so determined to be in control that it can feed self neglect. My mental illness had felt like such a consistent part of my life that I wanted to believe I had it all figured out. However, I now know deeply and truly that I was lying to myself. My outlook and decisions put my life at risk, and opened my eyes greatly to how it was impacting those around me.
Things went bad more quickly than I thought they could. I was neglecting taking my medication which triggered so many harmful side effects. I tried self medicating with things that did nothing but numb me further. I began an unusual process of mourning- mourning my life, my potential, my loved ones. I sat alone in a church pew and sobbed through an entire service as I watched a baby be baptized. I mourned my innocence through that child, and my mind was neglecting to appreciate the young life that has still remained within me. I felt more emotions at once than I knew what to do with, and it dramatically changed my life.
Coming back home to my parents and our farm has been a blessing that I know not everyone gets to receive. I came home to a place full of love from my family, friends, and nature. It has been a sanctuary for my healing. However, it has not made this journey of recovery be automatically perfect. I did not expect to become more depressed once I left the hospital than I was when I had entered. I did not expect to feel resentment towards myself for interrupting my schedule of plans. I threw off my educational goals by a year, I moved out of my first apartment where I had created a home with my best friend, I caused the end of a relationship we had invested in for over two years, I found myself feeling too weak to invest energy into my passions, and I left behind any sense of normalcy and pride I had within me. I felt naked, vulnerable, and embarrassed for a very long time.
This has, however, been met with sincere healing. I remember finding myself angry when people would tell me that things would get better. I was within my illness in a way that felt ever-engulfing. I wanted to scream at people who were providing me with support because it felt like nobody understood how dead my spirit felt. But do you know what? I’m glad I restrained myself from doing that. Because ultimately, these people were right.
My journey of recovery has not been completed. I understand and accept that my brain was created with elements that mean mental illness will always be a part of my life in some form. However, I also know now that I am strong enough to continue pushing forward and managing it. It is a hell of a lot of work, and some days I still feel so tired and defeated. I know I have to choose healing every single day.
I know and accept that I need support from my family and friends. I know I need consistent support of my mental health through medical professionals and therapists. I know I need to commit to myself that I will take my medications every single day. I know I need to take care of my body as meticulously as my mind. I have to seek out help for myself. I have to put effort into having a healthy relationship of loving myself. I have found communities online, in person, and through reading material. I encourage those of you who find yourself in the same space to look into these things, too. It has been immensely helpful within my healing process to understand the ways my brain is working instead of punishing myself for that which I cannot understand.
I am writing this today as its own form of therapy. I understand that social media is frequently just the highlight reel. I have had a million truly beautiful moments throughout the last year of my life, and I am happy to have been able to share them with you all. I just also find it necessary to be transparent and let you all know that in no way do I have every little thing fixed and figured out. These are all thoughts within the brain of the human you see photos of. I am incredibly imperfect, but I am learning to accept myself as a HUMAN. I am an optimist at the core, and I love this life. I refuse to let my mental illness take that away from me.
Thank you, always.
Thank you to everyone who has shown me love, support, understanding, and forgiveness. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. Thank you for showing me why life is worth living.
me: wants to play multiple instruments, create art, speak multiple languages, etc.
me: lays on the floor face down for an hour instead
